"Statement" Pets

I have been thinking about pets lately. The trend seems to be toward exotic pets; "statement" pets. I have seen a lady walking a dog. Well...that is not precisely true. I have seen a Great Dane dragging a lady around town. It reminds me of a hat I saw once; "I am my dog's personal trainer." I really wonder who owns who. How does the dog even fit in the house? What if they only have an apartment? I shudder to think of it.

If I had a dog I think I would prefer a Golden Retriever. I want something charming and sweet; a big, dumb dog that would lick you to death. I have had cats. They are mostly nice and clean but they are not pets. They are owners; we are the pets. Cat people understand this immediately.

But I digress. The movement is toward "statement" pets. Purebred pets. Pets with a pedigree. Pets that you pay hundreds of dollars for. They seem to be an investment. They are educated. They need to be sent to school. My daughter had a Jack Russell terrier once. It was the most annoying animal I have ever been around. It barked and then it chewed on things. It once chewed a coffee table in half. Charming pet. It tried to chew my grandson in half. Dog went away. Too high strung. Most purebred pets seem like they are inbred; too many curious and annoying habits.

I think if I went in that direction I would choose something more definitive. I would get a gorilla. No clothes. The statement: enter my house and you will become a plaything for the pet. Keep your distance. But that would really be too much trouble. Perhaps a piranha. Please go over to the fish tank and make a donation to the feeding fund. Tap on the glass and annoy it so that when you put your hand or face close to the water it will leap up and grab you by the throat.

All this sounds too problematic. I think I will get a beta fish. I like beta fish. They swim around looking pretty. They are beautiful, but the beauty comes with a warning. They are territorial. They establish dominance. "If I get a chance I will rip your lungs out. I am not tame. I am not domesticated." It will leave people wondering about me; the person who would keep such a pet. Yes, I really like that. Subtlety.

A. I.